Esther Greenwood-Journalist

An English Assignment Based on the book the bell jar
 As I am getting married this is my last post I want to leave the horrible things I went through in the past and move on with my future.

 As I am getting married this is my last post I want to leave the horrible things I went through in the past and move on with my future.

       I can’t believe I am finally better I have absolutely no interest in Buddy Willard I went down to where he was staying and I found that I like the person I am now and he no longer fits into where I want to be. It maybe hard for me to find a husband for the simple fact that I have been sent to a hospital for depression guys may get turned off by that. The only thing that matters is that I am better than I have ever been, now I can really experience life and the more joyful side of it. Nothing was better than getting better the electroshock therapy that I received from Doctor Nolan was better than I had ever expected. Also, getting through those trial periods and the death of a pretty good friend was pretty hard for me. I hadn’t quite expected her to commit suicide but I am no longer a virgin. Getting even with Buddy Willard was something that did make me happy. I am not going to ever be with the guy I lost it to again but I am making my own way and soon I will be going back to college. I WILL make it to the end though I owe it too myself as well as Philomena her financial support helped me find my way and I owe my very life to her. Which is something that I can only pay back in one way by achieving the dream I sought after for so long .

     I have been at this new private hospital for a while now and Doctor Nolan lost a bit of my trust, the other morning the nurse came in and didn’t deliver me any breakfast and when I questioned her about it she said that there was no breakfast for me and I thought that it had to be a mistake. So, when she asked the head nurse she told me that I was having electroshock therapy. Doctor Nolan had promised me that she would tell me before hand I couldn’t believe it. Her reason was that she believed that I would stay up all night and that I would be so scared and she didn’t need to do that to me. I guess she was right I probably wouldn’t have slept the whole night who would be able to. She told me that it wouldn’t be like the time I was with Doctor Gordon, and that I would barely be able to feel it which was a bit of a relief to me. She was right thought I felt better than ever after that like I was finally moving forward. When I had woke up I couldn’t believe that, the feeling I had was what electroshock therapy was really suppose to be like. I felt weak and a little drained but nothing compared to what I felt before. That was the best relief that you could imagine maybe I will finally get moved to the nice part of the hospital where everyone gets special privileges. I was quite scared I would get sent to where you never return.

    I am scared, I am being moved to a private hospital away from Doctor Gordon and his horrible electroshock therapy. The one thing I am really scared about is the prices of all these things. Throughout the process of this I have been thinking about how much money my mother would have to raise and things that she would have to cell, just to become broke and then I would have to go to a hospital worst than Doctor Gordons and who knows what would have happened to me there. Until a very kind older woman saved me and I know that this may seem like a fairy-tale where the godmother comes and rescues the girl from her terrible life but this did happen to me and I an grateful for Doctor Gordon in my opinion is quite conceited and I don’t know how he would have space in his head for anybody else. My benefactor name is Philomena Guinea she has kindly as I mentioned agree to help me with my financial situation and put me in a better private hospital which all three of us is hoping my mother, Philomena, and I are hoping helps me. So, I can march back into the world and fulfill my dreams like any other person could. Without the depression and my not so sudden hatred of many things and people around me. My boss Jay is also hoping I get better I spoke to her pretty briefly. Well I guess its time to go I hope that we are able to complete this journey together. 

        I am sorry that I haven’t posted in a while I hope that I have readers seeing as I am trying to become a journalist and if I can’t achieve readers on a blogging website how can I achieve a career as I try to become a serious journalist. I don’t want to be unable to achieve my dream that I have been working so hard for. I managed to get enough scholarships that I don’t have to pay a thing but my life is changing. A psychiatrist that I have been seeing feels that I am depressed. That my view on life and myself is not healthy. So, I have been receiving some electroshock therapy which I have no clue why it is even legal. Its one of the most terrible things they can do to you. It hurts so much and its not like I am not trying my best I don’t want to be depressed or sad all the time it’s like I can’t help it. Everything seems so superficial now, the clothes in my wardrobe don’t excite me the way it used to and Buddy has a disease and its like my whole world is upside down. My mom just looks so sad and disappointed like how could she create a kid who acts like this. I was ready to proposition a sailor to sleep with me and I wanted to run away with him. I can’t take this shock therapy they shouldn’t be doing this to me. I really just wanted to hop the bus to Chicago and just start all over again no more electroshock therapy but I know my mom will be so scared. Well, thats not the only reason I was unable to take the bus and now I have electroshock therapy so I shall see where this shall go.   

     I met a guy when I went to the U.N. the other day and meeting him I place the blame on my boss or this encounter. He was very nice and well respected. He spoke more than one language and so did other people there which made me feel kind of low . Especially because the other day I had a meeting with my boss about me learning another language but I never really felt like it so, I just say that I have plans to learn German or something like that. I had decided that I was going to sleep with the guy as I told you in the previous entry that I felt that for me and Buddy to be even that I had to go sleep with a guy since that would be the only way we could be even. The man that Doreen has been seeing tried to set me up with one of his friends but the height difference between us was enough for me to decide that it would never work between us. If anyone saw us they would be like look at that weird couple and I don’t need any extra attention drawn towards me so I prefer not to do that to myself. I ended up staying the night in the guys bed that I mentioned before but we didn’t do anything I couldn’t believe it. Who would believe that you could spend a whole night out with a guy and not sleep with him. Maybe he didn’t want to sleep with a virgin in that aspect who could blame him. I may not be as pretty as Doreen actually no where close to her level but I am at least above average and I think that I should be able to get a guy and I didn’t think it would be this hard. All I want to do is have sex with somebody and just be even with Buddy its not fair that he could be ahead of me.

        Hey, my name is Esther Greenwood I am studying to become a writer so doing this hopefully will make this a little easier for me. I don’t know if anyone is reading this since most people once I get my makeup on thinks I am just another pretty face. Today, I met with Buddy Willard and I just want to get some feedback on this he always advertises that he is so holy and that anyone would be lucky to have him but you know what I found out today…that he has already had SEX! I couldn’t believe that this when it left his mouth how could someone who preached about chastity as well as his mother had sex…then it wasn’t just someone he knew it was a waitress at his mother’s restaurant. I have been waiting for him but its clear that it isn’t the same in his opinion. Even Mrs. Willard believes that it is more important for a girl to be a virgin than a man, that a woman who doesn’t practice abstinence shouldn’t get a man who did. In my opinion I can just find a man who lost his virginity. Buddy asked me to take my clothes off before he revealed this as he had taken his off, I found him a little weird to look at though. Once, he told me though I had to cover myself up and I believe since he had sex with someone shouldn’t I, its only fair that we are both able to have experience if we eventually decided to get together he would have one up on me and that just isn’t fair. If he isn’t perfect then why should I have to be.